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Those Wacky Last Names - by SimonBob

Those Wacky Last Names

Jeff's last name is Andonuts. George and Gerardo are the Montague brothers. And Apple and Orange must be related because their last names are both "Kid."

Okay, so I'm stretching on that last one. But that totally leads into my main point: What are the last names of all those other characters?

In some cases, we can't even begin to guess at their last names, since we don't even know the first. The Runaway Five (Six) have only one named member: Lucky. Do we even know which one he is? We're never actually shown a scene where it's unmistakably him. Most people have assumed it's the one in the red. Mind you, in Mother 2 they're called the Tonzura Brothers, so maybe that's their collective last name. It's a long shot, though. What kind of mother has the strength to raise six blues musicians?

Luckily, the Runaway band members are minor characters. The major characters are a bit harder to decipher. As I already mentioned, Jeff's last name is Andonuts; anyone ever figure out what his dad's first name was? Maybe it really is "Doctor." Dr. Doctor Andonuts. No wonder he's estranged from his son. There's also Paula Polestar; her last name is assumed on the basis that she lives at the Polestar Preschool. Ehh, makes more sense than some.

Now, there's one character I've been sidestepping through my thought process. No, it's not Poo; no matter what anyone else says, I'm pretty sure he's just Poo. No last name, kinda like Sting. And the similarities don't end there; both Poo and Sting have a lot of female fans, and they're both from some other planet or country or something.

But no, I have been avoiding the issue of Ness. He never gets even a bit of a hint towards his own last name. And why should he? His own father doesn't appear in the game beyond the phone. His mother and sister are stay-at-home types with nothing better to do than heal him and take care of his stuff. He doesn't even talk, not even in an alternate ending. Unless you take the "I miss you" line to be his.

Several people have taken a thwack at giving Ness an appropriate last name. Anthadd calls him "Ness Lee," which is a positively awful pun. (Hint: Ness Lee fights the very best.) And I've heard him called "Ness Franklin," which makes little to no sense in my opinion; Ness gets the Franklin Badge (his "namesake" in this hypothesis) from Paula, who probably gets it from Ana (see Anthadd's excellent article on the subject). And Ana gets it from Ninten, and Ninten gets it from Pippi. So Pippi's last name is more likely to be Franklin than Ness's is.

Okay, so what do we call him? What do we name our favourite red-cap striped-shirt wearing psychic hero?

Here's my suggestion: "Ness Gicin." If you don't like it, think of something better.

...I HEAR YOU DISSING IT! SHUT UP! WRARAR!@#$^!#$~@#%

(End of article goes here due to accidental court summons.)


Other Submissions by SimonBob

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SimonBob Mr. T Versus Eddie Vedder!
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