Paradigm
Debate Week Special:
SimonBob Strikes Back
Article One of Six: Paradigm
I was holding off from writing this article because I knew it would have far-reaching repercussions, quite possibly changing the way we looked at EarthBound so much that all of the other articles would become obsolete and we'd have to delete the forums and start rebuilding the site from the ground up. But at this point that actually sounds kinda fun.
The fact of the matter is this. EarthBound is not the game it pretends to be. I have seen things that no human eyes should ever be made to view.
It was a medium-light and stormy day (the best kind, much better than "dark and stormy," although that would've been more appropriate) and it was just drizzling lightly on my jacket. I checked down the street to see if there was a bus coming, and since there wasn't, I dropped into my local Microplay second-hand profit-stealing video game store. Lo and behold, there was a copy of EarthBound in the case.
The dealer noticed my interest (as all dealers are trained to do) and took it out, explaining that the game was a few bucks off because the label was ripping off. "Let me have a look at that," I said. He passed me the game. I pulled up a bit of the label. There was a second label underneath.
"Hey, I think you're trying to cheat me," I said. "This just looks like an EB label on some other game."
"Umm, no! No." He couldn't fool me. I could smell fear on the dealer's breath.
"Well then," I said, "You won't mind me pulling this up a little more to have a look at what's under there." Before he could object, I was already peeling away the familiar EB logo. Beneath it was the thing that has sent me into a spiral of fear.
"E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial." It was there, clear as an early 1980's day. It was the old ET game for Atari. The one that was so bad, they had to dump millions of unpurchased copies in a landfill near New Mexico. It all became clear to me in an instant. The missing piece of the puzzle. Why this game was advertised as stinking. Why the PK Hackers found a block of mysterious code that they could only explain as some sort of hypnotic device. Why the game was inexpensive enough to sell with a prepackaged copy of its own Player's Guide.
I've done some research, and I've made the following discoveries: Nintendo secretly purchased the ET carts to use for their own nefarious purposes. They recycled them as best they could, including the evil but non-functioning hypnotic elements from the ET game and packaged it as an SNES RPG for the eclectic and discerning video gamer. With the hypnotic controls working, they began to enslave an entire generation of RPG gamers, hoping to destroy our minds at a key business juncture and rid themselves of what they thought was a useless customer segment.
Except the plan backfired. The ET hypnosis devices were designed to work with a crappy, uncontrollable game, but EarthBound's winning atmosphere caused them to mistime, making the EB community too tight-knit to be destroyed. Nintendo had to take a new tactic: Start sending out more RPGs to get us off-balance and try to make us forget our game. Little do they realize all the Pokemons in the world aren't gonna stop us.
I have to flee now... by revealing the Big N's plans, I've already said too much. I only hope the N-Men haven't gotten a final fix on my location yet. The next time you hear from me, it'll be from a bunker in Secret Fanfic Base Camp Bobstowe, assuming my operatives can get me there safely without hitting too much obstructive enemy action.
Debate Week Special:
SimonBob Strikes Back
Article One of Six: Paradigm
I was holding off from writing this article because I knew it would have far-reaching repercussions, quite possibly changing the way we looked at EarthBound so much that all of the other articles would become obsolete and we'd have to delete the forums and start rebuilding the site from the ground up. But at this point that actually sounds kinda fun.
The fact of the matter is this. EarthBound is not the game it pretends to be. I have seen things that no human eyes should ever be made to view.
It was a medium-light and stormy day (the best kind, much better than "dark and stormy," although that would've been more appropriate) and it was just drizzling lightly on my jacket. I checked down the street to see if there was a bus coming, and since there wasn't, I dropped into my local Microplay second-hand profit-stealing video game store. Lo and behold, there was a copy of EarthBound in the case.
The dealer noticed my interest (as all dealers are trained to do) and took it out, explaining that the game was a few bucks off because the label was ripping off. "Let me have a look at that," I said. He passed me the game. I pulled up a bit of the label. There was a second label underneath.
"Hey, I think you're trying to cheat me," I said. "This just looks like an EB label on some other game."
"Umm, no! No." He couldn't fool me. I could smell fear on the dealer's breath.
"Well then," I said, "You won't mind me pulling this up a little more to have a look at what's under there." Before he could object, I was already peeling away the familiar EB logo. Beneath it was the thing that has sent me into a spiral of fear.
"E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial." It was there, clear as an early 1980's day. It was the old ET game for Atari. The one that was so bad, they had to dump millions of unpurchased copies in a landfill near New Mexico. It all became clear to me in an instant. The missing piece of the puzzle. Why this game was advertised as stinking. Why the PK Hackers found a block of mysterious code that they could only explain as some sort of hypnotic device. Why the game was inexpensive enough to sell with a prepackaged copy of its own Player's Guide.
I've done some research, and I've made the following discoveries: Nintendo secretly purchased the ET carts to use for their own nefarious purposes. They recycled them as best they could, including the evil but non-functioning hypnotic elements from the ET game and packaged it as an SNES RPG for the eclectic and discerning video gamer. With the hypnotic controls working, they began to enslave an entire generation of RPG gamers, hoping to destroy our minds at a key business juncture and rid themselves of what they thought was a useless customer segment.
Except the plan backfired. The ET hypnosis devices were designed to work with a crappy, uncontrollable game, but EarthBound's winning atmosphere caused them to mistime, making the EB community too tight-knit to be destroyed. Nintendo had to take a new tactic: Start sending out more RPGs to get us off-balance and try to make us forget our game. Little do they realize all the Pokemons in the world aren't gonna stop us.
I have to flee now... by revealing the Big N's plans, I've already said too much. I only hope the N-Men haven't gotten a final fix on my location yet. The next time you hear from me, it'll be from a bunker in Secret Fanfic Base Camp Bobstowe, assuming my operatives can get me there safely without hitting too much obstructive enemy action.
