Liar Sucks At... EarthBound Zero (Chapter 1)
CHAPTER 1: NINTEN IS THE ULTIMATE ACTION HERO
[Note that I'm using the pre-patched version of EarthBound Zero. No offense to Tomato or anything, I just can't get the patch to work. Bad omen? You decide.]
So Ninten wakes up, and--well, needless to say, he's a lot more together about this whole hero thing than Ness was. Animated, violent lamp? Sure, no problem. His twin sisters are terrified, yes, but he just keeps on punching things until they stop moving. It's a good thing Ninten wasn't the guy in EarthBound, because he's so cool he'd probably just sleep through the meteorite impact.
He gets it from his dad, I'm guessing, because Dear Old Pops apparently saw that there was a Poltergeist Infestation in the DayRunner and calls to make sure his loving family got it. "Yeah? Yeah, probably a poltergeist. How did I know? Don't ask questions." And then he sends his little son off to fight ghosts. Ninten's dad is one bad motha-shutchomouth.
Another thing I'd like to know: what business did he have putting the key around the (walking, talking) dog's collar in the first place? I don't know, but when I lose my car keys I usually check in places where they've actually been. (Karma dictates that, the next time I lose them, they'll be on the roof.)
FIRST DEATH: the third Wally the Farmer I face. I originally thought that Wally, considering he's got a pitchfork, should be a bit tougher. But then I realized the horrible truth: his pitchfork is made of human flesh.
It puts the lotion on its pitchfork! It does what it's told!
Creepy farmer deviant serial killers? Man, this game is a lot different from EB. Somehow he managed to take Ninten out with the Pitchflesh, though, and I ended up back at home, with Mom making Chick-fil-A (aww yeah) and Mim showing off the never-ending supply of fruit juice. (Tracy could've learned a thing or two from that.)
Eventually, though, I cross a bridge and get out of the boondocks, to Pippi's mom. Pippi's mom seems pretty freaked out; she's doing the NES jitterbug that sprites use to show fear, excitement, happiness, and really having to go to the bathroom. Her kid's gone! It's understandable! What's not so understandable is this:
You tell the neighbor kid to go alert the authorities about your daughter's disappearance? Couldn't she just use the phone, or walk there herself? Is she afraid of the Wallies? (I would be.) Does she have some Chick-fil-A in the oven? Regardless, Ninten accepts the plot exposition like a man and moves on.
Ninten arrives in Podunk, where everyone else continues to not care about the poltergeists.
That's the kind of emotion I muster up when I'm asking important questions like "Nice weather, isn't it?" and "My, isn't it a lovely day we're having?" Typically, when I'm asking people about whether or not they were visited by a malevolent spirit I'm a little less collected. But maybe it's just me; if I was wearing a jumpsuit as awesome as that one I'd probably be less jumpy.
Finally, we reach City Hall, which is slightly less extravagant than the one in Onett. Past the Mayor's assistant, Farrah Fawcett:
And dodging his verbose assistant, Abbott, we get to Mayor Not-Pirkle.
Umh? I've never seen it said quite like that. Ninten's either slow on the uptake or he hasn't played EarthBound, because he takes the Mayor up on his offer.
COMING UP ON THE NEXT EXCITING EPISODE OF LIAR SUCKS AT...: Ninten's mom allows her prepubescent son to fight through a zombie-infested graveyard! Pippi hits on Ninten! A lot! And more!
Some thoughts from my first installment:
Despite these shortcomings, I'm enjoying my playthrough. But seriously, it's EarthBound--are you surprised?
CHAPTER 1: NINTEN IS THE ULTIMATE ACTION HERO
[Note that I'm using the pre-patched version of EarthBound Zero. No offense to Tomato or anything, I just can't get the patch to work. Bad omen? You decide.]
So Ninten wakes up, and--well, needless to say, he's a lot more together about this whole hero thing than Ness was. Animated, violent lamp? Sure, no problem. His twin sisters are terrified, yes, but he just keeps on punching things until they stop moving. It's a good thing Ninten wasn't the guy in EarthBound, because he's so cool he'd probably just sleep through the meteorite impact.
He gets it from his dad, I'm guessing, because Dear Old Pops apparently saw that there was a Poltergeist Infestation in the DayRunner and calls to make sure his loving family got it. "Yeah? Yeah, probably a poltergeist. How did I know? Don't ask questions." And then he sends his little son off to fight ghosts. Ninten's dad is one bad motha-shutchomouth.
Another thing I'd like to know: what business did he have putting the key around the (walking, talking) dog's collar in the first place? I don't know, but when I lose my car keys I usually check in places where they've actually been. (Karma dictates that, the next time I lose them, they'll be on the roof.)
FIRST DEATH: the third Wally the Farmer I face. I originally thought that Wally, considering he's got a pitchfork, should be a bit tougher. But then I realized the horrible truth: his pitchfork is made of human flesh.
It puts the lotion on its pitchfork! It does what it's told!
Creepy farmer deviant serial killers? Man, this game is a lot different from EB. Somehow he managed to take Ninten out with the Pitchflesh, though, and I ended up back at home, with Mom making Chick-fil-A (aww yeah) and Mim showing off the never-ending supply of fruit juice. (Tracy could've learned a thing or two from that.)
Eventually, though, I cross a bridge and get out of the boondocks, to Pippi's mom. Pippi's mom seems pretty freaked out; she's doing the NES jitterbug that sprites use to show fear, excitement, happiness, and really having to go to the bathroom. Her kid's gone! It's understandable! What's not so understandable is this:
You tell the neighbor kid to go alert the authorities about your daughter's disappearance? Couldn't she just use the phone, or walk there herself? Is she afraid of the Wallies? (I would be.) Does she have some Chick-fil-A in the oven? Regardless, Ninten accepts the plot exposition like a man and moves on.
Ninten arrives in Podunk, where everyone else continues to not care about the poltergeists.
That's the kind of emotion I muster up when I'm asking important questions like "Nice weather, isn't it?" and "My, isn't it a lovely day we're having?" Typically, when I'm asking people about whether or not they were visited by a malevolent spirit I'm a little less collected. But maybe it's just me; if I was wearing a jumpsuit as awesome as that one I'd probably be less jumpy.
Finally, we reach City Hall, which is slightly less extravagant than the one in Onett. Past the Mayor's assistant, Farrah Fawcett:
And dodging his verbose assistant, Abbott, we get to Mayor Not-Pirkle.
Umh? I've never seen it said quite like that. Ninten's either slow on the uptake or he hasn't played EarthBound, because he takes the Mayor up on his offer.
COMING UP ON THE NEXT EXCITING EPISODE OF LIAR SUCKS AT...: Ninten's mom allows her prepubescent son to fight through a zombie-infested graveyard! Pippi hits on Ninten! A lot! And more!
Some thoughts from my first installment:
- I think EB Zero is more hurt by the lack of emotion conveyed by its hero than EarthBound is. The characters talk to Ninten more, so it kind of seems weird when he just says nothing. It'd be really helped by, at least, the sort of facial expressions that Link made in Wind Waker.
- Man, is the control awful. I like the run button, but the idea of having to chase characters around before I can talk to them is a little on the annoying side. Not only that, but I seriously miss the one-hand control that EB offered; having to press "Talk" or "Check" or "Cash Card" instead of just pressing the L button is not fun.
Despite these shortcomings, I'm enjoying my playthrough. But seriously, it's EarthBound--are you surprised?
